I LOVE her so much. She always understood where I was coming from, and when she didn't, she pretended that she did. She always supported me and told me how proud of me she was...
I just wish that somebody, anybody could understand how big of a loss this was for me...how empty, I've felt since the day that she left...how non-existent my birthday was without her phone call at midnight. I don't even really remember New Years...could have cared less about a damn countdown. Ever since December 31st, I've become a different person: somebody that cries when I wake up in the morning and any other time that I'm alone for a substantial amount of time. I feel like I'm not really gripping reality because I always forget that she's gone. I always think about calling her or visiting her when I go home... all the time.
Every now & again, I can hear her voice in my head saying, "Hey Les" or "I love you too baby doll." My mother and her were two of the only people who said "Les" with the actual S at the end...opposed to the Z. She really knew me. She knew if I was sad - whether I was directly in front of her or not. And no matter how much I smile now - I know that she's looking down on me knowing that I'm sad - very sad - all the time. I'm always crying, whether the tears actually stream down my face or not. I think that I get sadder the closer I get to graduation because that was supposed to be the one sure time that she was going to come see my school and view the campus that I have grown to love - thanks to her getting me here. To say that I miss her is an understatement. To say that I love her is even more of an understatement.
I truly believe that God puts people in your life for a reason. I think that He put Joan P. in my life to show me what strength and love and fairness is. He put her here to help my mother mold me into a productive human being. He put her here to to support our family - both physically and emotionally.
"What you've given me, I could never return & there's so much, girl, I've yet to learn. But I want to show my appreciation 'cause when I found you, I found a new inspiration."
Everything that I accomplish is in memory of Joan P. Baylor.
